


Like A Hero

by QueenoftheHobbits



Series: Soft Thighs Series [24]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, angsty, bucky's own personal struggles., incredibly angsty and it features personal insecurities but also, overweight reader, plus size reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-21 23:24:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7409296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenoftheHobbits/pseuds/QueenoftheHobbits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by “I can’t love you like a hero”: Bucky is pushing you away, but you won’t let him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like A Hero

Bucky had been pushing you further and further away, avoiding you. He didn’t come to your shared bed and instead started sleeping on the sofa. He’d stopped letting you comfort him after nightmares and instead would walk out of your home and walk around the streets at night for hours...and it scared you. It scared you that someone you loved so much, someone you thought loved you too, loved you for everything. Loved your for your fat, loved you for your scars, loved you for every lump, bump, and every character flaw could be slowly drifting away from you. You didn’t want to lose him, that was the last thing you wanted. You just wanted to help him. You wanted to love him. 

It had you staying up into the early hours of the morning after he left because of a nightmare, the lamp lighting the living room as you waited for him to get back. It had you standing in front of the door and stopping him leaving again when he came back in, locking it and bolting it shut, your back leaning against the door as he gulped down a glass of water. You still didn’t know where he went on nights like this, it scared you that something could happen to him and you’d never know where he was. 

“Are you okay?” You watched him place the empty glass back down on the counter, it clinked heavily. He pressed his hands into the counter, fists clenching tight, not looking at you, his long hair shielded his face from your view. Your chest felt heavy, why did Bucky always have to do this? Make you feel distant...like there was a barrier between you that you couldn’t break down. Like nothing you did could solve this, like this was because of you...because you weren’t good enough, not because of him. Like you were causing this divide.

I’m fine.” It was choked out, deep and low, snappish. He was evidently not fine and the attempt to push you away just made you sad...the type of sad that bred anger. 

You pushed away from the door, standing on the other side of the counter to him, he was avoiding looking at you, “Why are you always pushing me away like this?” You hated how broken you sounded, like your whole happiness and life hinged on Bucky answering you and stopping this. And maybe it did. He made you so happy and if he disappeared then who would make you happy when you couldn’t do it yourself? Maybe he thought you didn’t need him, but you did...you really, really did. 

There was silence for a long moment; you staring at him, hoping for some kind of answer, and Bucky curling his fists and furrowing his brow...trying to decide whether the words should come out or whether he should just stay on the path he’s on even when he knows it’s one that’ll hurt him and hurt you. But maybe it was better to hurt you now and let you be happy with someone better than to hurt you in the long run when he can’t control himself...when he ruins you because of all his broken parts. You would have slapped him if you knew that line of thought, he wasn’t going to hurt you just because he was hurt himself, just because he struggling. That’s not how Bucky Barnes worked, that’s not how he worked. 

“Because I...I can’t love you! I can’t love you like a hero! Like you deserve, okay? You deserve better than me...” Your eyes locked as he looked up, his eyes were so hurt and broken. Like this is what he truly believed...had he been turning this around in his head for weeks? here you were thinking this was about you, and in a way it was, but it wasn’t really. 

You moved around to his side of the counter, grabbing his metal hand despite his attempts to pull back, and intertwining your fingers together. Your other hand cupped his jaw turning him to look down at you, “Then love me like a man...love me like Bucky...I don’t want some hero, some perfect guy, I want you. I choose who I deserve, Buck...” You wanted him, you loved him. And he was better...so much better than he knew. “Fuck...I thought, I thought you deserved better than me, that you wanted better than me...but it’s not even that is it, Buck? It’s all about that pain...that pain in you and you can’t get it out...but I want to help..I love you.” You had thought it was because you were too big for him, that like every other goddamn man in your life he’d decided the novelty of a fat girlfriend wore off, but that was you making it about yourself wasn’t it? It was the exact opposite, he thought he didn’t deserve you and that you deserved someone better, someone else. Someone who wasn’t him.

“You shouldn’t.” Despite his vocal protest, his fingers tightened around your own and his cheek pressed further in your hand, he didn’t really want to leave you. You were making it hard to leave, to think what he had been for weeks...perhaps this is why he had avoided you, perhaps he knew he’d break if you held him and talked to him in that gentle voice you always used to use after he had a nightmare. 

“Well, I do...and if you ever meant anything you said then you love me too...and that means we work together to help each other. Let me help. Trust me to help.” It was give and take, he made you feel beautiful, made the bad words disappear and you wanted to help him too. To make the nightmares less harsh and the memories less like a wound being prodded at harshly. You wanted to help because that’s what partners do. 

“Okay...okay, I..i’m sorry..” He knew you were right, he couldn’t leave you...he was weak to do that. Maybe you’d really be able to help...or maybe you’d just picked your poison, either way you were in this together. 

You pulled him into an embrace, your arms around his waist, your cheek resting on his shoulder, and felt him grip you tightly back, “It’s okay, Buck, I get it...you’re troubled, struggling, it’s scary...but I promise it’ll get better, you’ll get better, we’ll get better.”

He pulled back from you, frown deep as his hands reached up to cup your soft round cheeks, thumb stroking back and forth across the skin there, “I do love you, please don’t think I don’t. I love you so _goddamn_ much even though you deserve better.” You hated that he felt like that, but you were going to prove to him that there was no better. That he was the best and that he was the end of the line for you. He was it.

“There is no better, Bucky Barnes. You’re as good as it gets.”


End file.
